How to Listen for Progress
As an introverted, sensitive creative with a long history of being the kind of well-behaved woman who will never make history, I’ve spent a great deal of time unlearning habits that kept me quiet when I should have been selling my skills, bragging about my work, and winning the gig. It’s hard for me to muster the “I’m amazing and don’t you forget it” confidence that seems to come so easily for others. So when I do manage to briefly become the woman all the misspelled Pinterest quotes tell me I can be, it’s tempting to cling to the defiant cheerleader I’ve conjured and plug my ears to anyone who doesn’t agree.
But that’s not reality. No one is without flaws. We all have things we could improve on and sometimes we need others to help us understand what they are. This can be terrifying. I still remember going into the annual reviews of my early career. Before my manager even opened the manilla folder containing his hastily completed rubric (because of course he forgot that today was annual review day) the feeling would escape my face and run to the dance party in my fingertips as my body prepared for bad news.
Then it would hit. The bad news. The good news. The weird news (one year the largest piece of feedback was that I needed to spend more time researching at a library). Because I wasn’t perfect. I’m never perfect. There’s always going to be a mix of good, bad, and weird. There’s always going to be room to grow, but the only way to learn is to set aside our carefully honed I’m-flawless armor and listen to what others observe about us.
This is a lot easier when you put yourself in control of the moment and invite someone you trust to weigh in. All it takes is some intentionality and a little practice.
Find Your People™
It’s easier to hear feedback from someone you trust. Someone you know has your best interests in mind. You may be fortunate enough to have this relationship with your manager or a coworker, but if not, expand your options. Friends can work if they understand your work life and if you have the type of relationship where they can be honest about your flaws. Mentors are also an excellent option. Chances are they know a little bit about your professional world and how you operate within it. And they know it’s their job to give you some tough love if it’s going to help you in your career. These people are a hashtag blessing, so lean on them.
Learn and Share Your Feedback Style
People are unique beautiful snowflakes with different quirks and needs. This of course translates to how they want to hear feedback. Take some time to consider what you like/don’t like when it comes to exploring areas of improvement. The internet is filled with all manner of feedback styles and definitions. Check in with a few and start to build your feedback profile. Share this with Your People™ to help them understand how they can best support your growth.
Breathe Through the Defense
It is totally and completely human to feel compelled to defend and explain when we receive feedback. But the moment your brain starts sputtering “but, but but” you are no longer listening to the nuggets of gold Your People™ give you. You’re formulating a response rather than internalizing the information you need. Whenever you feel a “but” coming on, breathe through it, physically lean in and continue to hear the feedback. This is where it can be helpful to request feedback from someone who doesn’t have control over your salary or promotion. You attempting to change their mind has no benefit to you at all. But gaining an outside perspective on a few weaknesses most definitely will.
Be Inquisitive
Of course, there is still room for you to ask questions about the feedback. Invite them to share a specific example to help you understand how a particular weakness might be holding you back. Ask them if they have any advice on what might help you improve in these areas. Ask about a time where they’ve struggled with a personal weakness of their own and how they overcame that weakness.
Don’t Forget to Ask for the Strengths
I know I’ve spent a lot of time on the weakness aspect of feedback — because that’s the hardest part to hear. But an outside observer can tell you a lot about your strengths, too. Strengths maybe you didn’t know you had. These good bits also represent an opportunity to grow. When you understand what Your People™ think makes you awesome, you can build on that awesome to become even more awesome.
Say “Thank You”
As hard as it can be to hear feedback. Giving it can be challenging, too. Especially when it’s good feedback. It takes time to be thoughtful about another person, and Your People™ gave this time generously. Thank them not only in the initial discussion, but follow up with a quick note reporting on how you implemented their feedback and how it helped. When they know their efforts meant something to you and your career, they’ll be happy to offer feedback in the future.
// Main Image By Amy Humphries